somewhere over the rainbow

2003-12-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

Good bye

2003-12-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

ok, so I went by a christmas tree place, and a six foot tree was between 42 and 65 dollars. This made me really sad because I know that there are people out there like me, who see a christmas tree as vital as snow for the holidays. I also know that some people have to go through the holidays with no money, and if you have no money how can you buy a tree? I want to know when the price of happiness became more important than the gift of happiness.

2003-12-03T16:05:00.000-08:00

Oh geeze...

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

2003-12-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

So I heard a song today, and it had a really great message. It got me thinking. I am going to start living for the small things that happen to me in life. I am going to stop waiting for huge things to happen, and I am going to pay attention, and reallyappreciate all good things that happen to me.

On a side note, I am starting to send out scholarship stuff. One of the scholarships assignments is to write an essay on the holocaust, I decided that I was going to be different and send out that box I did for Mrs. Chitwood last year accompanied with a one or two liner about how "if a picture is worth a thousand words..I have sent you 100,000." What do you guys think?

2003-11-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

"Have you done anything that has made your life better"

2003-11-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that people are confused as to what acting is. First of all, let me tell you what it is not. It is not being able to make voices. It is not being able to contort your body so that you look differently than you normally do. It is not being able to please people. Acting comes from the heart. Acting is the ability to look at a character in a script or a screenplay and making them come to life. While you can use silly voices, and contort your body to help convey the depth and attributes of your character, those things alone are not acting. There is one person in particular that comes to mind when I think of all that I would hate to become. They came up with three idiotic voices, and the crunched themselves into yoga like positions when performing. This type of acting is called schtick. Yes, it appeals to the kind of people who watch acting as pure entertainment. And that is fine. But anybody who loves to watch people act to see how they convey their character, sees right through the "schtick actor's" ultra shallow need for attention. I appreciate the actors that think about how their character would act - even if it means that the audience will hate the character. And not how their character should act according to what the audience likes. I love the actors who work so hard at building a character that when "wrap" is called that character is a part of them. It is the people that shrug off the character's motives before rehearsal even begins that do not deserve to be called actors.

2003-11-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

I have had no motivation to do anything. I want to just sit back and watch myself live. I wonder what kind of commentary I would give. Do you know what kind of commentary you would give?

2003-10-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

You have probably heard about Jessica Simpson’s tangle with canned tuna. It happened during the premiere episode of MTV’s “Newlyweds,” a reality show chronicling the early days of pop semi-diva Simpson’s marriage to Nick Lachey, late of the boy band 98 Degrees. As Jessica pondered the meal she was enjoying in front of the TV, she asked her husband, “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish?” As it turned out, she was confused by the label that read, as she recalled it, “Chicken by the Sea.”
JESSICA’S APPARENT STUPIDITY has now spawned a secondary phenomenon: the armchair analysis of whether it’s possible that she — or anyone — is as dumb as she looks. She recently showed up on “The Late Show with David Letterman,” admitting to being a ditz but chalking it up to a brand of appeal she tried to sell as reminiscent of Lucille Ball. Her father was likewise recently quoted in the press suggesting that she isn’t dumb, she’s just “playing into” her role as a stereotypical empty-headed blonde.
Clearly, this is not the case. It’s not as if tuna is the only food to trip her up. She once declined an order of Buffalo wings with the fairly grave statement that she doesn’t eat buffalo. As a friend of hers pointed out, it had apparently never occurred to her to wonder, given her understanding of the etymology, where on a buffalo you would find the wings to begin with.
Other life essentials like clothing tax her as well. She flitted out of a lingerie store without realizing that she had just dropped over $750 on two bras and two pairs of underwear. As she stood on the sidewalk outside the store and realized what she had done, she made a panicked, guilty, utterly pitiful phone call to Nick, who suggested that she look at the price tags next time.

WHY THE FASCINATION?
By now, the point is not so much whether Jessica is dumb as it is why her particular brand of dumb is so mesmerizing. After all, she is hardly the first person on reality television not in line for a genius grant.
Regular viewers of the genre have seen people who can’t follow the simplest of instructions, people whose poor grasp of language certainly rivals Jessica’s mistaken belief that there was an animal called a “platy-ma-pus,” and people whose raging egos blind them entirely to how they are perceived by others.
Moreover, it isn’t as if she flies so high that a chink in her armor should be all that newsworthy. She and Nick are B-list pop stars at the moment. Both have hits in their pasts, but her most recent CD, “In This Skin,” peaked at tenth place on the Billboard chart. After six weeks, she’s parked at number 78 — just behind the Steve Miller Band. Her book-signing featured on “Newlyweds” looked like it attracted barely enough fans to field a football team. Nick, having left his band, is now trying his luck as a solo artist. His impact has yet to be felt.
So their show isn’t exactly a look at the hopelessly washed-up in the tradition of “The Surreal Life,” but it’s hardly a “Don’t Look Back”-style documentary about people who are actually accomplished, either. No, Nick and Jessica are somewhere in between, living the sunny, bland, cash-soaked existence of the lame duck celebrity.
Past successes have earned them a certain term during which fans — mostly girls, in both of their cases — will continue to ask for autographs now and then. There’s limited interest in their new projects, though, because their successors have already been elected.
The public places they visit are sure to greet them noisily (“Welcome, Nick & Jessica!” proclaims the sign at Cincinnati’s King’s Island amusement park on the day they drop by), tacitly acknowledging that at least some people know who they are, but very few will notice them without being given a friendly nudge in the right direction.

POOR NICK
Jessica, for reasons known only to herself, pitched in by complaining about the decision to move the thing upstairs in the first place.

So if it’s not about toppling idols and it’s not about pitying those who have entirely fallen, where does the fascination with Jessica’s foibles come from?
For one thing, she actually inspires the occasional flash of sympathy, or at least pity, if only because she’s trying so hard in a world-of-her-own kind of way. Jessica is no callous, punishing vixen — at least not on purpose.
She cares enormously about what Nick thinks of her. She pleads with him not to make fun of her, frequently quizzes him about whether he thinks she’s sexy, and yells for his help when she doesn’t know what to do.
Nick — who seems like a surprisingly normal guy at least some of the time, even moving his own stuff in a U-Haul truck from his condo to their enormous new house — often seems utterly baffled by her. It’s hard to imagine how this can be, given that they had a lengthy courtship and it seems likely that she acted the same way before they were married. The qualities that drive him crazy now are too integrated into her personality to be either manufactured or recently acquired.
Sometimes, in fact, watching Nick choke on his frustration is as entertaining as watching Jessica herself. When they were moving Nick’s things into the house, Nick and his brother Drew carted a particularly unwieldy piece of furniture up the wide, winding stairs, sweating and struggling all the way.
Jessica, for reasons known only to herself, pitched in by complaining about the decision to move the thing upstairs in the first place. As Nick heaved it up a few more inches, he muttered to Drew that at times like this, he was glad he didn’t have a gun, because if he had one, he might shoot himself. Drew paused, chuckled, and asked, “Why would you shoot yourself?”

RAISED BY POODLES
Fame at 16, had we experienced it, might have twisted us into freakish balloon animals until we couldn’t so much as buy groceries without a personal assistant.

Jessica is also distinguished by the appalling depths of her inexperience. Sometimes watching her is not so much like reading a tabloid as it is like watching “The Jungle Book.” If it were possible for a little girl to be isolated from society and raised in the wild, not by wolves but by a pack of French poodles, she might turn out something like Jessica, who simply has no concept of what happens during the daily life of a normal person.
Tired of having to hang up her own towels, she asks a friend whether there are special “maids for celebrities.” Called upon to empty a vase of dead flowers into the trash, she falls apart. She can’t imagine hanging pictures on the wall of her own home without the help of a designer.
In fact, when Nick does a little low-key decorating in the new house while she’s away, Jessica is irritated primarily because she is unable to figure out whether she likes it or not. She takes the position that she and Nick are unqualified to decide what should go where. They don’t know what looks good, she argues. She returns to her mantra, which she repeats over and over in a variety of situations: “Can’t we hire someone?”
It’s true that reality television is often little more than an opportunity to watch a fool act like a fool, and Jessica is no exception. Still, this kind of entertainment is never as tempting as when it indulgently hints to us that we are right about everything. Yes, the nice person does often finish last. Yes, if you don’t scam your fellow man, he will scam you first. Yes, some people will do anything for a buck. Yes, the nice guy does often get dumped for the creep.
And in the case of “Newlyweds,” we are reassured that celebrity is not a meritocracy. That fame at 16, had we experienced it, might have twisted us into freakish balloon animals until we couldn’t so much as buy groceries without a personal assistant. That it’s just as well we never hit it big.
Jessica’s level of semi-fame is perfect for this purpose. If she were living the very high life of a very successful person, she might be having so much fun that it would be hard not to envy her. If she drops much lower on the totem pole, it will be hard not to feel sorry for her, given her obvious lack of preparation for any role in life other than the one she has now.
For the time being, it is just right to watch her bubble through her daily life, not very bright but also not very relevant. We just knew we didn’t really want to be rich and famous.

2003-10-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Live is good, life is great, life is unbelievable...or is it?

2003-10-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank Sarah, Matt, Paul, Oscar, and Marj. But most of all Matt and Sarah. When I asked at the Homecoming dinner 11 people said that they were going to eat breakfast at my mom's house. I called her and told her to prepare food for 11 people. After the dance, 9 of them decided to go to the Oasis. I just wanted to let you know that if I seemed distant or sad today it was because it hurt me really bad that I have so many friends that flake out on me. I walked into my mom's house, and saw enough food to feed 11 people and wanted to cry. She had spent 2 hours making a good free breakfast for all of us. And only 2 other people stuck their word. I feel disappointed, sad, and somewhat betrayed. On a final note I would like to thank kyle for listening to me, understanding why I feel the way I do, and taking responsibility for his actions by apologizing.

2003-09-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

Katie threw me an 18th birthday party, it was fun. Thank you. It was great. I am still adjusting to life as a senior, and as an adult. I think I'll get through it, hopefully sooner than later. I am not motivated to say anyhting else.

2003-09-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Empty is how i felt looking around the gym to find my dad and finding nothing. Empty is how i felt in his arms as he was giving me a hug, and telling me sorry for missing the mass he promisied to go to, and then telling me he was driving to albuquerque to see my sister run in her meet. Empty is how i felt when he promised to stop drinking...again. Empty is how i felt when he called me and told me i'd have to get my own dinner, because he and adrienne would be out late. I feel empty, filled with empty promises and empty and meaningless sentimentss. The ceremony itself wasn't important. My invitation was, it was an attempt to make myself feel important yet now i feel forgotten.

2003-09-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

He doesn't need to ask why am acting the way I am. He knows how much it hurts me when he comes home like he is right now. I just wich I could detach myself from his downward spiral. Is it better to have a father that makes you cry because he makes you feel like you are not important enough to stop drinking, or to not have a father at all? While we do have good times together, it seems as if the only time we do have fun is when I am with my brother and sister. If they are important enough to stop drinking for, why not me? I feel as if I come last. After my sister, after my brother, after his job, and what hurts the most, after his drinking. I cannot explain how it feels to come second to a bottle. Most of my recent good memories are thanks to my friends, may of my good old memories are due to ignorance. He gets frustrated that I shut him out, and push away from him. There is nothing I can do. I have to take his anger, and his frustration and file it. It doesn't matter how may times I cry, or ask him to stop. He isn't going to change unless he wants to, unless he has a reason. I wish I were good enough to be that reason.

2003-09-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

This is a good quote...

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't..........

Makes you think doesn't it?

2003-09-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

This will be a day that will always make me cry. The pictures, the footage, the articles. Two years today, it seems like yesterday. I pray for all those who lost a loved one. I wish I could do more than this. But for the moment, my written tibute is what I have to give.

2003-09-01T17:23:00.000-07:00

Q: What position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your mom.

2003-08-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Which Donnie Darko character are you? by Shay

2003-08-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

So, this is my admissions essay, rough draft. Let me know what you guys think...keep in mind it's a rough draft.

Little did I know that when I began my junior year in August of 2002 I was embarking on a year that was going to be both difficult and influential. A month later I turned 17, “this is going to be a great year”, were words not uncommon in my mind.
I, like 50% of kids my age had just experienced the separation and decision for divorce by my parents. And was coming to terms with my new life. In November I rushed to the Emergency Room with my Dad. He had been suffering from migraines, dizziness, and black outs. I sat by his hospital bed for seven hours as we waited for the MRI results. When the doctor came in with the diagnosis we were startled to find out that my father’s suffering was due to a colloid cyst in the third ventricle of his brain. Two weeks later the doctor decided it was not safe to allow the cyst to remain there, and suggested to him that he opt for the for the brain surgery. As the surgery date moved closer and closer, I began to take on a things-cannot-possibly-get-worse mind frame. No sooner than I began to think this, I was proven wrong. On March 15 my Mother, who is an Air Force Reservist, was deployed. The next day, I drove my mother to the Air Force Base, and there we said our goodbye’s.
I continued to put my all into school, and at home. It was becoming more and more difficult to survive the test, and homework, along with the ever-growing responsibilities of becoming a “part-time parent” helping my dad to take care of my younger brother and sister. The thought of losing both my father and my mother was a thought that did not help.
In May my father checked into the hospital for his surgery. He came out of his operation, and is still healing well. In the summer of 2003 I went to visit my Mother in Landstuhl Germany, just a few short hours away from where we were stationed when she was active duty. On the days she worked as a nurse in the hospital, I decided to volunteer for the Red Cross. I did many things, from unpacking and stocking boxes of clothes people had donated to listening to the injured soldiers stories. While in Europe I also I visited France and Holland, where I saw art, and experienced people and a “born again human”. A year passed and I was now someone who saw human life as beautiful, and priceless. My mother returned home this August and there is not a day when my actions or words do not reflect something or someone that have helped me to become the strong, determined, and thankful person I am today.
Why do I belong at Insert college name here? I deserve it. I work hard, and am willing to prove to anybody that I will never give up – no matter what the obstacle in my way. I will always remember to look to the future, and keep in mind the past, as I move forward one step at a time.

2003-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

A dream is a wish your heart makes...when you're fast asleep.

2003-08-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

I have been running in circles, trying to reach the top of an escalator that is moving downward - trying to be honest with everyone, and the one person I want to talk to the most, is just outside that circle, and perpetually three steps ahead of me. I know that sometimes truth - when spoken for the wrong reasons, is worse than a lie told for the right. I am faced with this choice and at the moment, know that this ring will remain a circus, and this hike, uphill.

2003-08-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

i got my schedule, i am not happy, i am going to die now. Bye

2003-07-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

so my sister is...so fuc*ing weird. She has a "Till school calandar" HANGING ON MY WALL, and if that's not annoying enough, she insists on reading to me her "good" books, and these books, are...just south of toilet paper with words on it...

2003-07-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, I have had no inspiration. I have however gotten myself confused...again. I thought I liked this guy, but I don't know now...with that said.

2003-07-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

hello

2003-07-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

This I know for sure.
I hapened upon something, and I read it. When I thought I knew how everything was playing out in my life...I have suddenly realized that someone's actions can turn that "blissfully good life" upside down in less than a minute. While I vowed to let go of everyone in my life that hurt me, some people can't be let go of. Those people who allow themselves to be hurt (and in doing so, hurt me), are the ones that need a friend the most. I have come to accept that in this case, my actions were wrong. I let go of a person when they needed me the most. I want to appologize for all the hurt and pain I caused them. All I can say now is I am sorry, and I know all I can do now is accept that I have made a mistake, and wait...

2003-07-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted, but I haven't felt an inspiration towards anything. I don't want to write crap, so, until I feel inspired, I won't be writing.

2003-07-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

THE SUMMER SONG

Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah
Some call me the gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice
Cause I speak of the pompitous of love

People talk about me, baby
Say I'm doin' you wrong, doin' you wrong
Well, don't you worry baby
Don't worry
Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home

Cause I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
And I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I get my lovin' on the run
Wooo Wooooo

You're the cutest thing
That I ever did see
I really love your peaches
Want to shake your tree
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Ooo-eee baby, I'll sure show you a good time

Cause I'm a picker
I'm a grinner
I'm a lover
And I'm a sinner
I play my music in the sun

I'm a joker
I'm a smoker
I'm a midnight toker
I sure don't want to hurt no one

Wooo Woooo

People keep talking about me baby
They say I'm doin' you wrong
Well don't you worry, don't worry, no don't worry mama
Cause I'm right here at home

You're the cutest thing I ever did see
Really love your peaches want to shake your tree
Lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey, lovey-dovey all the time
Come on baby and I'll show you a good time

2003-07-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

Lalala...so in the words of Kyle I will now be conducting my words to form an "epic blog".

The Day of travel
My flight: I got on my plane with a feeling of excitement, and happiness, but also selfishness and sadness. Obviously I don't think I need to mention why I was excited and happy...I was going to Europe, duh. I was going to see my mom, this is why I felt selfish and sad. I think that my brother and sister probably would have benefited just as much or even more than me from the trip. While I pondered the reasons for a while, I overcame them, and moved on...I was going to Europe. My flight: 12 hours, one baby 6 row in front of me, one woman with a VERY small bladder next to me, and NO window. But I did get to watch 3 movies! I watched "The life of David Gale", which happens to be based on a true story, and very good. I recommend it highly. "Chicago", and "Daredevil" were the other two. When I landed in London I was greeted with a nice two story mall. This happened to be very good because I had a SIX-hour layover - how fun! Anyway I looked everywhere for Alex's Neuville soccer shirt but since I didn't know his name, or what team he played for at that team - that didn't work out. (I am so sorry I couldn't find you shirt Alex, but I got you something else!). I got onto my next flight to Frankfurt, and this is where I met the first guy on my trip. He turned out to be lame, so...I let him go. I forget how many hours the total trip took, but I do remember sleeping for 18 hours straight after it. About 2 hours after getting up my mom and I left to go to South France, to a little town called: Axe en Provance. On the train to Axe we met the cutest guy, he spoke English, and in doing so, he became our first savior. His name was Ishmael, he was from France, but worked in Germany. He was really smart, and funny. We were in the middle of a conversation when he turned around and began talking with the conductor of the train, when he turned around he started speaking to us again. Only this time in German, while my mom’s face showed contemplation (as if she knew exactly what he was saying), and mine was sort of a “what the hell are you saying” type face. Finally he realized that he was rambling off in a forgotten language. He chuckled, and told us what he had said. When he said goodbye he gave us kisses on our cheeks, two for Mom, three for me. I got his email address. When we finally got to Axe we met my Aunt, cousin, and my cousin’s friend there (Celine, Posie, Anne Marie respectively). I traveled around South France for 4 days. I swam in the Mediterranean Sea, saw miles and miles of lavender. One night when Posie, Anne Marie, and I did a rather good job at pissing of my Aunt and Mom they left the hotel room, and left us to get ready and go out. Three French boys noticed me standing on our balcony, and made their way to the street right below. They started talking to me, and asked me where I was from. When I said America, they all got really happy (I think American girls have a bad reputation in Europe). They asked who else was in the room, I told them. I called Posie to the window, and the conversation between the boys and us deteriorated and they walked away. We finished getting ready and went out, walked around, and talked. It was fun. On our last night we went out again, and were sitting on a fountain when a girl came and sat right next to me on one side and a boy squeezed his way in between me and Anne Marie, and started talking to us. It was fun. They were totally inebriated but managed to make enough sense to let us know that they were celebrating their friend’s birthday. They asked us how old we were, and I guess since I was the oldest they turned their attention to me. When Posie and A.M. jumped up off the fountain should have been my first clue that something was about to happen. Before I connected anything I was soaked. I jumped up stunned and…wet. I turned around the see the birthday boy…In his birthday suit. Before I could react his friend was also naked and on his way into the fountain. It was quite an event. My Mom and I returned to Landstuhl the next day. I registered to volunteer with the patients. I got to see and hear awful things, things that are visual so I will tell you later. In the 3 weeks that followed my Mom and I went to Amsterdam and experienced “The Red Light District” and the Rijks museum, sex, and…cannabis. It was good. We went to Paris and went to the Louvre, Eiffel Tower, Palace of Versailles, Musẻe D’Orsay, and many other things. I traveled to towns close the military base on the days she worked. On one of these days I did something in a place called K-Town something I vowed to do before I was 18. 3 weeks, and 371 pictures later I boarded the plane for home. A boy followed me in the airports for both of my layovers, which was sort of weird, and the fact that he starred at me most of the 8 hour flight sort of freaked me out. But I am over that. I picked up on a bit of my German, I drank some fine wine, I met some great people, and I got in just a tad of trouble. It was a wonderful trip. And don’t worry I have something for everyone!

PS
Pictures are going to be posted soon

2003-06-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

P.S. Lokk at the comments from 6/16...important message

2003-06-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

Going to Paris next week, does anybody know where Brian is? Anyway, Cute military boys...I mean I an volunteering at the hospital, and there are some pretty young ones...not that you care..

2003-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

I am in Germany, just got back from the South of France. Please someone send me a picture of that soccer player Alex wants. Will one of you send the picture to my email at aol. What is his name?

2003-06-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

Why must you always have the last word? You have crossed a boundary. It is comments like yours that make me want to not share my inner thoughts. I want you to understand that the only person you are trying to prove anything to is yourself. You insist on trying to make me understand your point of view...I thought I made it clear to you that I do understand. If anybody is unclear about their beliefs it is you. I am willing to accept that you believe in what you believe in. FINE. I really don't give a fuck. All that matters to me is my beliefs on issues. If you don't like it, don't read, and for my sake spare me from your b.s-have-to-have-the-last-word comments.

2003-06-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

So as I was driving down the road, listening to the radio, the following words ran though my body. I was moved by them, I was changed. I realized something that has been bothering me for the longest time. I not only came to the conclusion of my problem...but I also realized I had it. I realized that am looking for something; I don't know if I want to know how it feels to be loved, or if I want somebody to know me so well that it hurts. I thought I had that once - I thought I had found that one person that could look at me and know what I was feeling, that I could look at her and know what she was feeling. And while she is still so close to me, and I love her dearly, I can no longer look into her face...and even if I could I do not know if I could tell how she felt inside. I want to know somebody, and I want them to know me. I know what it feels like for somebody to be my everything. I want to know what it feels like to be somebody's everything. And for once I do not want that person taken away from me. I want it to be right. With that..

I'm not right
And I'm not fine
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything except for your mistake

Send me inside your mind
I wanna know what you're thinking
This time I'll try to be the one you always thought you knew

It's true
I'm blue
And without you -

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything except for your mistake

Let me into your view
I wanna know how you see this thing that's us
I must keep managing my madness over you

And I don't want your sympathy just understanding
We'd be better off if I just took some time to try to understand you

I'm not right
I'm not fine
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine
I wanna be seen
I wanna get clean
I wanna just fall out of in-between
I'm not right
I'm not right
I don't wanna be your mistake

~Sister Hazel, Your Mistake

2003-06-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

sign that things aren't going to go well: a black cat lives on your doorstep

2003-06-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

Ok guys I have returned from my two week trip. This two weeks I have been thinking a lot. I have come to two conclusions:

Dammit. No matter how much I told myself that people here were't a part of me, that I would be ok if I moved away, I was lying to myself. Everybody I know ad love is here. You guys are a HUGE part of me. I don't know if I can handle that kind of change. I have been going through a lot.

Finally. I have decided to stay because I don't think I could be happy without you. Thank you so much for your input. It helped a lot

2003-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up guys? I am here with a very-very-can't-stress-this-enough-important-blog. I was thinking about graduation. I really love everybody at St. Mike's, and the thought of not graduating with them is really hard to even think about. One way I have all my friends here, and even though another year at St. Mikes would kill me, it would be great to graduate with them. Another way there is Lissa, and a really really great school. I don't know what to do. Should I suffer another year here, or be where I might be happy? I know that nobody wants me to leave, and the more I think about it...I don't know if I want to leave. Can you guys with brutal honesty tell me what you guys think. It would really really help me out.

2003-05-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I finished My Name is Asher Lev. It has to be one of the best books that I have ever read. Potok is really good, he has a message and doesn't beat aroung the buch to make it clear. I love that. I was so frustrated, I still can't understand how people can be that stubborn. Grr. Oh well. Is it just me or do you guys wish that Asher was alive so that you could see his art. I was so sad when I realized that his paintings only existed in my head...Oh well, I guess that is where they will stay. I am off to bed to dream of my mythic ancestor. But let me know do you wish that he was a real person?

2003-05-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

2003-05-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

Who wants more?? Just leave me your email address, and I will send you some!!

2003-05-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

2003-05-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

2003-05-13T17:03:00.000-07:00

bipity bopity boo!

2003-05-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

I want you guys all to know that my Dad is doing very well, and is going to stay the night in the ICU, and with any luck if he feels up to it, tomorrow afternoon he will be heading home! Thanks for all of your support. Love Jess

2003-05-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

As the weather is getting hotter one thing comes to mymind: poles. I bet your thinking North and South....well...I'm not. Well anyway, I was just wondering whether or not you people have ever used sunless tanners. If yes they do you think they are worth it? If no then, why?

2003-05-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have something trapped inside me...and while i would like to wish it was little green men sent to make me famous...i do believe it is either hunger or nervousness.

2003-05-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

THE GIRLS OF T.A.T.U. ARE NOT LESBIANS :)

2003-05-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

Yay, as this week begins i see many new things about myself. I had such a good time at prom, it was the best dance i have ever been to. I wish i could have gone out to ihop, but i was way too tired, and my contacts were pissing me off. Anywho. Well i am going to go now.

2003-05-02T13:43:00.000-07:00

So....it's been a while. I decided that I should post...mostly because I had motivation (kyle) who screamed/typed at me to post..but ya know and motivation is good if it gets done. And remember, it doesn's matter where you buy the cup, but what goes in it. Today was the last day that the seniors are going to be at school...We are finally seniors! Thank God. One less thing to worrry about. I really have a lot of stuff to say, just not enough time or courage to say it. I will begin however.

Recently I have become dejected at the lifestyles of my friends. I want to appreciate them as much as they deserve, but I have realized that it hurts me sometimes to remain friends with people who hurt not only themselves, but others with their actions...or lackthereof. I don't understand the ieals of some of my friends, they are willing to cry one minute over some less-than-small mental, and emotional injury, but the next minute they are best friends with the person who inflicted that pain. I have asked myself "why?"...but I don't know, and the more I think about it, the more frustrated I get. I don't need that frustration now, or ever, so i have decided that the only action that would be good for me is to cut all relations with these people who inflict emotional and mental injuries on me, by letting people do it to them. As much as I want this to be directed to everybody out there, there is one person in particular that I wish would listen to my words very carefully. However, I want you al to listen to my opinion and think about it. Are you an "inflictor of pain", or the "punished"? Any way in the long run I want you all to know that I woul rather be the bitch that people don't hide their hatred for, than the ingnorant person in denile that people save their hatred for behind my back. I divulge more on my feelings on friendships in my new book: "The Bright Side of Life" coming out this fall

2003-04-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, i know some peole want my mom address so here it is:
Major Argenbright
LRMC
CMR402 Box 2465
APO AE
09180

2003-04-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

dammit

2003-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

well this is an attempt to link a personal picture. I was trygint to do this a few months ago, but gave up because i decided that it took someone with neurons to post one. but due to certain motivational blogging (alex's milo pic) i decided to try again.

2003-04-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

Ode to Hot--this ones for you babe

2003-04-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Ode to Hot

2003-04-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

ok so i was talking to Kyle and we were talking about "if our life was a dating game"..and i decided that the first 5 contestants would be...in sort of a particular order...1. Nolan 2. Jeff 3. Danny 4. Cole 5. Zach(he and Cole are so far down on the list on account of i don't really know them..i have never talked to them..all the rest of the people i have talked to)

2003-04-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say...all I want to do is try and get my blog working...so there!!

2003-04-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

ok so i decided to start an "ode to the hot"...all you guys need to do is tell me if i picked a good'n...todays "ode to hot" contestant is: colin ferrell...so tell me yes or no

2003-04-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhh the junior retreat...one word yay! ok...so it was dripping with a little sarcasm. But no seriously...i had a ton o fun...it was teh best retreat we have ever had. It was so much better than all the rest thateven the fact that it did resemle a death camp it was great...do you get what i am saying?

2003-04-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

These are really funny, they are fragments of thoughts dealing with the name jessica gathered from all over the internet. If you want me to find you yours...just let me know in the comments!

Googlism for: jessica

jessica is britain's choice for
jessica is a golden girl
jessica is favourite for eurovision
jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the
jessica is so cool
jessica is horse ride on sandy asian chick experiences anal sex
jessica is buff
jessica is my biffly
jessica is a 999 heroine
jessica is nominated
jessica is a
jessica is pregnant? fact or fiction?
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a
jessica is satan
jessica is a horny blonde bitch screaming for cock
jessica is a beautiful teen
jessica is the naughty secretary at unzipped
jessica is going to brazil
jessica is een lekkerding
jessica is britain's choice for eurovision
jessica is a but head date
jessica is a but head
jessica is horse ride on sandy
jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the same
jessica is gone by possumtoy
jessica is safe
jessica is horse ride on sandy amatuer holding her pussy open what a
jessica is jessica
jessica is by mattbjorke
jessica is the bestest person in the world
jessica is horse ride on sandy porno inside
jessica is my artist favorite sarah mandy
jessica is a bitch
jessica is a beautiful girl
jessica is engaging
jessica is a homosexual
jessica is pregnant? fact or fiction? there are rumors about that jessica is pregnant
jessica is posing in her gi
jessica is no23 in midweek uk charts
jessica is a freshman in college and is loving it
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a second concentration in political science
jessica is a beautiful 12
jessica is
jessica is never afraid to say hi to whomever crosses her path as she makes her way through her first year of middle school
jessica is a controversial sexy model and inspiring actress
jessica is a good student who has maintained a 3
jessica is an offbeat sophomore who tends to go out on the town a lot
jessica is just as picky with her men as she is grammar
jessica is a beautiful teen from illinois
jessica is sixteen years old and is waking up from a rough night of sleep
jessica is ready to throw in the towel when she comes across an intriguing personal ad in a newspaper
jessica is the best
jessica is a talented violin player and pianist
jessica is the total opposite
jessica is like a rocket ship headed for the stratosphere
jessica is an idiot
jessica is now a freshman in high school in ohio and is a normal teen with peer pressure
jessica is my best friend in hong kong
jessica is doing very well
jessica is interested in a relationship with another woman because she says she is
jessica is not a substitute for counseling
jessica is one of the principals of easton
jessica is decidedly uncomfortable with the conversation
jessica is always having a good time
jessica is about the trials and tribulations this little
jessica is well known at our post office and they all love her
jessica is sitting up and crawling
jessica is 20 months old
jessica is forced
jessica is a former 2001 world spirit federation
jessica is mesmerized by the virtual playground filled with stars from fantasy land movies and all the people at big burger
jessica is mesmerized by the virtual playground filled with stars from
jessica is to be taken to a secure hospital where prisoners sleep in locked metal
jessica is the best and i've seen her in a couple films
jessica is the youngest child of sam and grace bennett
jessica is also very involved with her church
jessica is a dir en grey's song
jessica is currently signed with columbia records
jessica is above all a hopeless perfectionist
jessica is willing to do whatever it takes to win
jessica is one of the top 5 showcase artists with adopt a band
jessica is very beautiful
jessica is also the marriage host and special education host
jessica is female
jessica is a native of dallas
jessica is kidnapped on the streets of portland
jessica is 11 lbs 7 oz
jessica is at the middleware level and is compatible with the standard jvm
jessica is one of the very few who have earned an “exceptional” rating for their first
jessica is a twenty
jessica is seen with her family and friends
jessica is one of the smartest kids in the sixth grade
jessica is a mostly entertaining sit
jessica is creeped out by them
jessica is with her mother
jessica is not a real zombie
jessica is warming up
jessica is dying to find out the story behind joel and his 5
jessica is wearing a child's grey sweatshirt
jessica is britain's choice for
jessica is safe
jessica is nude
jessica is a web ring slut
jessica is such a dork
jessica is horse ride on sandy sexy bitch lubing her ass for you
jessica is horse ride on sandy the beautiful blonde next
jessica is already having fun in the indoor
jessica is horse ride on sandy pee pee teen adult toybox sex
jessica is horse ride on sandy max hardcore sweet sweet ass on a
jessica is currently in la tapping an
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a
jessica is a beautiful teen
jessica is the naughty secretary at unzipped
jessica is echt ook nog jeugd
jessica is britain's choice for jessica is a golden girl jessica is favourite for eurovision jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the
jessica is enjoying his ardor immensely lady jessica is reviewing the house personnel in an attempt to discover a traitor lady jessica is hereby
jessica is britain's choice for eurovision
jessica is so cool
jessica is a but head date
jessica is a but head on wed
jessica is gone by possumtoy
jessica is a golden girl
jessica is horse ride on sandy they are french kissing and stroking
jessica is right about stalkers
jessica is in a play
jessica is a perfect lady
jessica is horse ride on sandy the beautiful blonde next door
jessica is my artist favorite sarah mandy
jessica is a bitch
jessica is this is really cool
jessica is already having fun in the indoor pool
jessica is horse ride on sandy sexy blonde luvs tasting cock
jessica is posing in her gi
jessica is britain's choice jessica is a golden girl jessica is a favourite for eurovision jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the same
jessica is a freshman in college and is loving it
jessica is engaging
jessica is horse ride on sandy nude surfer girls look at the titts on this asian babe
jessica is no longer the starry
jessica is nominated
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a second concentration in political science
jessica is a beautiful teen from illinois
jessica is een lekkerding
jessica is the best
jessica is jul 21 '01
jessica is britain's choice for jessica is a golden girl jessica is favourite for eurovision jessica is still here a week later and everything is
jessica is awesome
jessica is my best friend in hong kong
jessica is a multi
jessica is never afraid to say hi to whomever crosses her path as she makes her way through her first year of middle school
jessica is our centrefold for the month
jessica is 11 lbs 7 oz
jessica is a talented violin player and pianist
jessica is jessica
jessica is
jessica is an offbeat sophomore who tends to go out on the town a lot
jessica is an offbeat
jessica is ready to throw in the towel when she comes across an intriguing personal ad in a newspaper
jessica is not a real zombie jessica is above all a hopeless perfectionist jessica is willing to do whatever it takes to win jessica is not a substitute for
jessica is doing very well
jessica is sitting up and crawling
jessica is wearing a child's grey sweatshirt
jessica is aware that her social worker is looking for an adoptive family for her and has asked only one thing– that the family that adopts her have another
jessica is sixteen years old and is waking up from a rough night of sleep
jessica is a controversial sexy model and inspiring actress
jessica is interested in a relationship with another woman because she says she is
jessica is 20 months old
jessica is like a rocket ship headed for the stratosphere
jessica is a very kind
jessica is a former 2001 world spirit federation
jessica is not a substitute for counseling
jessica is just as picky with her men as she is grammar
jessica is britain's choice for
jessica is now ''lady'' jessica
jessica is so cool
jessica is in chat
jessica is a web ring slut
jessica is nude
jessica is
jessica is in a play
jessica is a golden girl
jessica is a perfect lady
jessica is her real name
jessica is the best
jessica is such a dork
jessica is married
jessica is safe
jessica is nominated
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a
jessica is pregnant? fact or fiction?
jessica is een lekkerding
jessica is the naughty secretary at unzipped
jessica is my best friend in hong kong
jessica is a beautiful teen
jessica is awesome
jessica is bored
jessica is very beautiful
jessica is britain's choice for jessica is a golden girl jessica is favourite for eurovision jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the
jessica is britain's choice for eurovision
jessica is now "lady" jessica the 18
jessica is a but head date
jessica is a but head on wed
jessica is my artist favorite
jessica is a bitch
jessica is stuck on 2000
jessica is engaging
jessica is this is really cool
jessica is posing in her gi
jessica is a freshman in college and is loving it
jessica is from chicago and is majoring in journalism with a second concentration in political science
jessica is pregnant? fact or fiction? there are rumors about that jessica is pregnant
jessica is a very kind
jessica is a multi
jessica is our centrefold for the month
jessica is a talented violin player and pianist
jessica is britain's choice for jessica is a golden girl jessica is favourite for eurovision jessica is still here a week later and everything is
jessica is never afraid to say hi to whomever crosses her path as she makes her way through her first year of middle school
jessica is 11 lbs 7 oz
jessica is a beautiful teen from illinois
jessica is an offbeat sophomore who tends to go out on the town a lot
jessica is an offbeat
jessica is decidedly uncomfortable with the conversation
jessica is wearing a child's grey sweatshirt
jessica is sitting up and crawling
jessica is a performance studies major at the university of mary
jessica is ready to throw in the towel when she comes across an intriguing personal ad in a newspaper
jessica is doing very well
jessica is a controversial sexy model and inspiring actress
jessica is sixteen years old and is waking up from a rough night of sleep
jessica is interested in a relationship with another woman because she says she is
jessica is not a substitute for counseling
jessica is mesmerized by the virtual playground filled with stars from fantasy land movies and all the people at big burger
jessica is mesmerized by the virtual playground filled with stars from
jessica is jessica
jessica is like a rocket ship headed for the stratosphere
jessica is dead
jessica is just as picky with her men as she is grammar
jessica is to be taken to a secure hospital where prisoners sleep in locked metal
jessica is always having a good time
jessica is a former 2001 world spirit federation
jessica is the best and i've seen her in a couple films
jessica is 20 months old
jessica is at the middleware level and is compatible with the standard jvm
jessica is aware that her social worker is looking for an adoptive family for her and has asked only one thing– that the family that adopts her have another
jessica is the total opposite
jessica is no longer the starry
jessica is female
jessica is also the marriage host and special education host
jessica is one of the very few who have earned an “exceptional” rating for their first co
jessica is the oldest of three
jessica is a beautiful player
jessica is a dir en grey's song
jessica is an idiot
....these are really funny, if you want to see yours...leave me a comment telling me to look them up...along with your email address!!

2003-04-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

so tomorrow we have retreat. It makes me sooo happy to think that we only have 1 full day of school this week, its awesome...how do you feel about it?

2003-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Sembra come se non importa che faccio. ..it è in vano. Voglio cosí che molto a ha appena i veri amici, l'ones che morirebbe per me, l'ones che direbbe me che non guardo il mio migliore nel mio equipaggiamento preferito, il mio ones che potrebbe essere contento di me e soltanto me su un'isola per il riposo della mia vita. Sembra proprio ora nella mia vita che me ha soltanto un o due di questo tipo di amici. Mentre piaccio la ditta di tutti appendo fuori con. ..I sente che qualcosa manca. Il mio compagno di anima. Non un compagno di anima romantico. ..but un compagno di anima amichevole. Tento l'Alex di cosa ha fatto. È una maniera molto buona uscire i sentimenti lei sono certo che nessuno mai realizzerà. ..when nella realtà. ..if hanno voluto realmente a. ..they potrebbe. L'Alex che lei ha detto della competizione tra lei due era cosí incredibilmente veri. Sento come se che sono in una competizione con tutti intorno me qualche volta. Se lei mai ha sentito che lei erano solo in pensare era migliore, la fermata adesso, perché lei non sono. D'ora innanzi vado sforzarmi dire tutti la vera onestà che un giorno spero di trovare. Vado andare adesso. ..but per le entrate di coppia prossime vado battere a macchina in una lingua straniera. ..ironically portare lontano dal patto di verità intero ho fatto appena. Ma il mio punto in è questo per vedere che quanto di lei si preoccupa realmente di legge che devo scrivere.

2003-03-18T17:18:00.000-08:00

ODE TO SANWHICH ARTISTS

I would just like to point out that I am greatly impressed by these people. I go to subway, I always get the same. A footlong turkey sub on monteray cheddar bread, with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and red wind vinigarette. They pile all the stuff on there and you thinkin' "there's no way in hell their going to be able to close that sanwhich" Then they take their little knife and shwoop it's practically alreay rolled up in that little subway print wax paper. This is for all of you guys and girls out there! Job well done...keep up the good work!

2003-03-16T23:16:00.000-08:00

I decided that I will follow suit.

I am very upset at many things right now. First is that I feel as if my family was stripped away from me. Myself and 8 other people shared a most amazing 2 month journey together. I learned so much about everybody, and myself for that matter. I feel as if I have the "sweetest secret" that only 8 other people will ever share with me. If there were words to convey how happy I am to have shared this time with these people I would speak them, however there is not. I would like to take this time to express to everybody how well they portrayed their characters. I do not believe anybody could have done a better job. I must admit that when Alex got Anne I was jealous but I was over that the minute we were on stage together. Alex you were meant for that part. Kristin if ever there was a role of a mother. I believe that Mrs. Frank was the one for you. She had thoughts that she never expressed, and somtimes I feel you have thoughts which are lost to the dark chasms of your mind. Which is awesome. If there is one thing I have learned form you it is that speaking your mind isn't always the right thing. Let some things slide on by. David I must admit that before the play I had no intention of ever speaking to you again, but I want to commend you on your hard work, and wonderful portayal of Mr. Frank. Stephanie, Margot was a hard character for me to understand. I could not see why she thought the way she did, or why she acted the way she did. You helped my understand that she was so complex, and insightful. I believe that the eoffort and hard work you put into Margot's character helped bring a better understanding of her to me, and everybody who came to see the production. Kyle, what can I say. Many things of course. Whether pacing, or sitting you thought about your character. I want to thank you sooo much. I had tons o' fun with you backstage. You brought a posotive atmosphere to everybody. Oscar, my son, you are wonderful--on stage and off! You are a blast to hang out with, and really funny. You really dived into Peter. So much that your name is now Peter. You cared for Mouschi, even though he was slighty...stuffed, with all you heart. Thank you so much for being my son!! Peter (the real one) you are wonderful, you can always bring a smile to my face. You acted so much like Dusel, people have come up to me and told me to tell you that they hated you. I, knowing you offstage could never imagine anybody hating you. This shows me how well you played the part! You were able to take a person that you couldn't really relate with and play him with poise and pride. Mark, you filled Kraler's shoes wonderfully. You also can bring a smile to my face often. I love jamming out to your CD's before the play, thank you so much for everything. Finally, last, but not least--Marj. Job well done!! I am amazed at how much you accomplished with the short amount of time you were alloted on stage. If ever a character I would have liked to see on stage more, it was you! You are wonderful. I would also like to take this time to tell everybody who helped on the costumes, makeup, set, sounds, and lights that we could not have done it without you!! Thank you so much for everything! You are the special ingredient X that made our production such a success!

2003-03-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

EXAMS SUCK!!!!!!

2003-03-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

Price of life.

So my mom got called up to the war, she has to leave in 2-5 days, we don't knwo where she is going or how long she'll be. I am just thinking how much i want that 6 months back now...i feel really bad

2003-02-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

Ago--------One Year---------From Now

One year ago I was satisfied with my friends, and life. I would wake up everyday and live my life--because it was all I knew. Since one year has passed, Lissa has moved away, I have analyzed each of my friends and what our friendship actually is, I have lost some old friends, "re-met" some old friends, and gained some new ones. I have realized the meaning of friendship, trust, love, and betrayl. I now know that life is what you make it. You can't expect anybody to do anything, because they might not. People surprise me all the time--for good or bad. What I think that I am trying to say is that I have grown so much as a person in the last year. All because of the few people I surround myself with. I believe that I have learned and experienced all that I can with my current surroundings, and am very happy to be escaping this place. I have a new world to look forward to. New friends, new lessons. I know that I wasn't meant to sit around here all my life, that is why I refused to let people hold me down. In the end what I am really trying to say is that I will miss you all very much. Getting up in the morning will be so much different with unfamiliar faces. In moving away from all of you guys, I am leaving a part of myself. It seems as if I know far too much about each of you guys, but in reality---I know nothing, I'll get back to you in a year---when I will know more.

2003-02-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

I get to go, for anybody who cares!! I am on my way to Georgia!! My mom finally caved! I am so happy!!

2003-02-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

I can't stand it anymore. I see all these happy couples around me, and I hate it. I don't really hate that they have happiness...just the fact that I don't have it. I expecially hate Valentines day. I wish tomorrow would just be over. I don't think that I can find a way to make it all the way through. I don't want to go do drama today, I don't have enough patience. This weekend had better be good. I just want to cry more than I am right now...I guess I'm just hoping that if I cry all my problems away I can just start new. Not worry about tomorrow, or the next day. This year had been the worst ever. My mom keeps telling me that she wants me to go to college in state, and I keep telling her that that will never happen. She doesn't want what's best for me...she wants whats best for herself. She isn't going to let me go to Georgia. No matter what I do, no matter what I say. She has it in her mind that I am not going. I had to pick my classes today...not unlike everyone else in my class...but for me it made me stressed and resentful of those who already have their hard classes taken care of. I have to take the worst classes. But i had an epiphany. If I don't go to Georgia I am not going to take Chemistry. That way my work load will be lighter. And another thing. Everytime I talk I feel like I am complaining, that is why I have not been talking. Don't take it personally...if you are a person that has been affected by my actions. It's just me being...well...me. I am just in a mood, and I know that I will get over it. Hopefully sooner than later.

2003-02-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

yeah...stick that there...oh and that there...oh that's great...hold that pose...(see below for a better understanding)

2003-02-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

random thought....could you imagine actually directing a porno?

2003-02-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

2003-02-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hey there guys..i'm baaaack...so we have been rehersing our play.and that's pretty much it..if anybdy knows how to post pictures can you let me know how to? Thanks

2003-01-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,if this works...go here:

This is my Sheryl Crow

http://www.hpphoto.com/servlet/com.arcsoft.UtilMain?com=arcsoftUtil&jobtype=zlargeview1&c2simple_next=largeview1.html&pict_id=16206434&size=

2003-01-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

I am very bored. I did not get much homework this weekend. Yesterday in service learning we went to the boys and girls club. I went with Kourntey in her car. We got horribly lost. I don't know what happend. Well anyway, finally we found it and we ran inside. Ten minutes later the tour of the place was over and we had to leave. She and I just laughed. Everybody had thought that we had ditched on the first day. I mean usually I wouldn't put it past us, but no we did indeed get lost. I am trying to pot pictures from my vacation with Lissa, But that doesn't seem to be working out...I'll keep trying.

2003-01-16T14:41:00.000-08:00

I have a huge crush on someone...I am going to do something about it...maybe...

2003-01-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

So today I realized that people will do anything to feel better about themselves and it makes me sick. I wish that people would just mind their own god dammed business, and stay the hell out of mine. I don't want to be told what people think of me, because frankly scarlet...I don't give a damn. Even if I did there are some people that I wouldn't ask because I don't respect them therefore I wouldn't listen to their bullshit.

On a lighter note. There is a really cute boy that started school at the semester. My goal is to find out his name and talk to him. It shouldn't be to hard. But that's what I say ever time. This time will be different...Ironically that it also what I say. Oh fuck it...

2003-01-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

I am overcoming the shock that I suffered. It will take a while longer to fully understand the twist life has given me. I plan on researching what I can do, to be completely sure about everything. I am going to leave now.

2003-01-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

You don't think that life can get worse, but hen it rains, you break your the heel off your shoe as you run for cover, you get dumped, and your parents cry...I yearn for my peak...

2003-01-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

Thank God it's friday. I needed this weekend soo much. I have a little bit of homework, and my first guitar lesso tomorrow!!! Ok going to go..bye

2003-01-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

I messed up. I thought that my appointmentwas today. Because all day I have thought that it was the 13th. But nooo it's only the 9th. Oh well, that just means that I don'thave to go to a full week next week either. I think that it was meant for me to never have a full week all year. Oh well. I have a fair amount of homework tonight, but I really don't feel like doing it. So I will procrastinate. We got 6 free cokes out of the maching today. It was great. Paula can stick her arm inside the machine, and since nobody else has discovered it, when their cokes get jammed, they jst leave. We, the entrepreneurs that we are go in and get all the cokes and share them with our friends. Hugh Grant is really good looking...

2003-01-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

2003-01-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

2003-01-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

If I have to listen to one more person complain...

I feel like I have entered a world that I am a part of, but do not belong to. On my trip to Lissa's house I met many wonderful people. They, unlike everybody except for a few exceptions here, thought about other people besides themselves. It was wonderful! But in returning to the "real" world I saw everybody here for who they are. Before I was trying not to see. I hate it. I know that everybody has problems and it sometimes helps to talk it over with a friend but holy shit they complain and complain.

Ok, now that I have stated the obvious. My sister is a cheerleader, she has to practice all the damn time. I can't really say anything though because I was once there, and looking back now I can clearly see it was a character flaw. Hehehe. With her, though, I am not sure that it is justa phase. She seems really really into it. I am scared. If she comes to St. Mikes next year, and becomes a dancer gone retarded I will scream, no matter where I am going to school at.

2003-01-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

can anybody tell me how to post pictures off my digital camera?

2003-01-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ah another day, another...??

I am sitting here waithing for Katie so show up so that we can go and exercise! I don't mind working my muscles, but it's cold. Really that has nothing to do with anything at all. I am listening to Jump, Little Children, they are wonderful! Best lyrics I have heard in a long time. Thanks to Lissa I discovered them, and bought all of their CD's. I miss her, everybody is asking about you! My life is going nowhere fast it seems. But all at the same time I am being forced to be someone I'm not, and there is only one person I know that know's what I mean. I am going to go now because I don't have time to be wasting. Bye

2003-01-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

To all of my blog read...To my blog reader. I am sorry I didn't post. I was kept in a cage with no food or water for 11 days!! It was great fun...I can't wait to go back. They kicked my, and punched me, like I have never been kicked or punched before. They time they did let me out, they put an elvish rope around my neck and it burned. It burned so much in fact, that I peed all over myself, and had to smell me...ok...

2003-01-06T09:57:00.000-08:00

I am back. I had so much fun, we did a lot of stuff, and I got some great pictures. I will try and figure out how topost them. But I an sure you have noticed that I am not the best computer tech. Oh well. I am really tired, so I am going to go to sleep!

2002-12-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

l am finished packing!! l am going to see Lissa tomorrow!!

2002-12-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh Christmas day. I was up at the buttcrack of dawn, wthi my brother and sister tear ope my carefully wraped presents, but they were so happy, it made me happy, I got so much cool stuff.

2002-12-24T14:21:00.000-08:00

I finally finished my christmas shopping today! I might of said that I had last week, but I was just in "holiday denile" But now I am officially done. That's all

2002-12-24T00:11:00.000-08:00

Today was my Dad's christmas party, it was great...i was't there, Matt and I decided to go and play monopoloy. I won. But they we had to pick up his jacket from where the party was at so that i could drive me home. He goes in and like 5 miutes later doing a task that should have taken 30 second he comes out with one of my Dad's friends. Matt walks around to the other side of the car and get's in, but my dad's friend just standsoutside the window so naturally i roll the window down. he then precedesto give me a10 minute speech on how he was really dissapointed that I didn't remember him, and he was sad I didn't know his real name! Then he started his "Because i'm your dad's friend I have the right to smack you, and I am going to I you don't stop being rude." this got my attention. Ii said what? and I guess he took that as me beign codescending, and warned me again. I was so scared. Bah I hate men.

2002-12-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was an unproductive day. I cut up fudge in the morning, I went o my sisters dance thing at DeVargas Mall, I went and rented Almost Famous, and Out Cold, I came home and watched AF, then I went to best best with my dad, and we looked around there, it was the first time I had been there. It's big. Then I went to subway looking for free food, went home, watched the beginning of OC, left went to pick Kourtney up at herhouse and takeher back into town, and we went and saw...Maid in Manhattan. It was really cute. Greastest line "I'll make like a baby and head out first". Then we met Brock and Justin in Waldenbooks, and it took us like half an hour to decide we would go back to Kourntey's house and watch OC. When we got there the guys decided they wanted to play ping pong, so we did that for like forty minutes. And let me tell you I suck. I was on Brock's team, and damn...I bet he got pissed at having to play with me on his team. I don't really care though because I never claimed to be good at it. Ten they left and we finished Out Cold. After that we went to bed, and I jus now got home.....4 MORE DAYS!!!
sooo hot

2002-12-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

5 MORE DAYS!!!

2002-12-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

I finished exams today!! I am free for the next two weeks...it feels great! I took my brother and sister shopping today. We bought stuff for my dad, and Ani, Aleen, Carly, Jonathann and Melissa. I hope they like their gifts. It took forever, and I hate shopping so..I can safely say that I put a lot of effort into this Christmas...I only have to pick up on more thing. I have to wrap a few more though. I wrapped the stuff we bought today, and now l have to ne cunning, and sneaky because I want to try and wrap the other suff I have to, but they are hidden in the room my brother and sister are in. I hvn decided if I am going to Kat's party or not, I need to grow a brain. Thisentry is boring evento me so I'm off. Bye
Picture from the best movie EVER!!

2002-12-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

BUBBLETOES

Today has been a good day so far...but for some unknown/known reason it has just been a day. I took Geometry and Theatre Arts. Geometry raped me. I got a 65, but we had a curve of 15 points..so I got a 80 i the grade book. This sucks because it give an 89 i the class for the quarter, I want that damn A, so tomorrow I am going to go in there, and swwet talk my way into it. Theatre Arts was a joke. We had to write a script. Matt gave me the Jack Johnson CD

and when he handed it to me I was genuinly surprised. It made me really happy. It is a GREAT CD I am only on track 4, and I am in love with it. Then we went to lunch at quiznos...it was good, I saw a really cute guy. That was nice. Then Matt told me about all of his foster kids, and exchange students, they were really great stories. I liked them. Later I'm going to Kourtney's house and we are going to study for history, and I should probably practice guitar, because I don't really know the scales...and I need to for tomorrow. But there are seven more days until I see Everybody!!

2002-12-18T16:47:00.000-08:00

Today was soooo much better than yesterday. Being an exam day that either tells you nothing, or tells you how bad my day was yesterday...depending on your view on exams. Anyway my day was so good because I just decided to blow everything off. I went into English, got my exam, rolled it up and had my way with it. I did so well. Yay...then I was off to Art...now that was a doozy. We had to clean up the art room. HAHA, Everybody got a kick out of that. Then I went to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers with Kristin. It was not as good as the first. I realized (with the help of Lissa) how much I don't agree with the words "Elijah Woods, and actor" put together in any sentence. All I saw when I was watching him was: Bullshit Blah Blah...I do it for the money...Blah Blah I don't care about you...because I can't see past the nose on my face blullshit. But I would go and see it again simply because...

Anyway, after the movie I went to SUUPPER KKKMMAAARRTT!!! And got christmas lights. Then my sister, brother and I decorated our tree, it looks pretty.
8 MORE DAYS!!!

2002-12-17T21:36:00.000-08:00

This is to compensate for the completely horrible day I had.

This one's for you Lissa!

9 more days!!

mmmmm....

2002-12-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

Great Expectations

I went to bed last night with great expectations for today. I woke up this morning with these expectations, I wet to school with them...and that's when it happened. It all just fell apart. I was walking through school handing out my presents, then I got to Casey, Dylan, and Matt they were all standing together, however, so was Stephanie, I am not out to hurt her, so I tried to get them all to come to me to get their presents, so Stephanie would not see, but Matt, being himself pulled me into a very uncomforatble situation, and I was forced to give them their gifts with Stephanie standing right there, I walked away and pomptly began to cry, I think that it was the worst I have ever felt about myself. I hated myself. I wanted to jump out of my body and scream at me for being such a bitch. Susan talked to me, and calmed me down. It helped. During first there was a "bleak" atmosphere. Thales, Nick and, Alex had heard about what I had done (as had everybody else) and looked at me with eyes of total dissapointment. Their stares, truley did rip into me, and took something from me, I felt naked, vunerable. But they don't understand what torment I have plagued myself with. They don't understand that I have been suffering for so long because I know something that cannot be shared. I took the punishment, I had no choice. It was not my place to say anything. I broke down again. I turned around. I could feel them, they are a part of me. I am them, I was being punished by not only myself, but my better halfs. I hated meyself. I moved to second where I was forced to hold even more internally. When the bell rang i crawled into third, knowing that I would see Matt, and not looking forward to the "somthing he had to tell me" . He pulled my chair close to him so we could talk and that's when I did something horrible. I yelled at him. I said "MATT I DON'T WANT TO TALK! I DON'T WANT YOU TO ME THE MEDIATOR, THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CA FIX". He looked at me, like they had looked at me earlier. I had hurt him. I had spoken toone of my BEST friends like he was my enemy. Like I loathed him. The moment I had finished, and saw the look on his face I knew that I had made a grave mistake. I sat down, and I turned to him. He told me that he didn't even want to fix anything, he was just told to tell me that I had to go to lunch. Once he had finished I slipped. Tears just came rolling down my face, I said that I was sorry. But the truth is that I can never take back what I said. He looked away from me very angry. I have no words for how I felt. I told him everything that had happened. After that I went to art. Where for the first time of the day I saw people that didn't know me, that didn't know what I had done, that didn't know anything and it was the respite I needed. What was to come...not even I was expecting. Lunch. Three words...three words started a contagious chain of reaction that the ebola virus doesn't match. "Season of fogiveness." Casey said these words to me. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on. Nobody knows. Not only did I flare up worse than a wild fire with a wind, but I made the mistake of showing my agravations outwardly. I could hold nothing in any longer. Nick noticed my gesture, turned around to the entire group and the words "Oh my God" slipped out of his mouth. His words burned me, I hurt I wanted to fall on the floor and die. I turned to Susan and said I can't do this." I ran to the bathroom an collapsed. I was going to be sick. I was verbally crying everybody could hear me, and I couldn't stop. I was stripped of evrything. I didn't have anybody to talk to, even if I did, I couldn't even talk. I was paralyzed. My body was throbing. My mind was going crazy. I knew depression. I knew heartache. I had been ostracized from the people I belong to. The people I would die for. I finally pulled myself up, and with the ounce of enery I had left I walked to sixth "could this day go on any longer?". After school, Stephanie and I talke. I told her everythig I had to. I let is all out. I didn't sugarcoat it. Her only words were "you are the onl person I know who would do that"...for a second thought it had been a complement. I couldn't have been more wrong. Her next words were criticisms of my actions, and "you shouldn't have held it in, you should have talked to him". Now I am here, and I do not feel batter having talked to her. She still doesn't understand. There is nothing else I can do. I surrender myself.

2002-12-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

FUCK I WAS JUST ALMOST FINISHED WRITING AN ENTRY AN EVERYTHING GOT DELETED. Oh well I will start again...I am n the midst of making my christmas presents...hold on i think something is burning...Um yeah I just burned some chocolate...I knew I shouldn't be doing this...I need to finish those...ahhh forget about it. I can do it later. I really don't have enough patience. This is teahing me that a persom with my attention span should never volunteer?<---is that how you spell it?...ah well anyway...to make their x-mas gifts...ONLY 10 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE LISSA, ANI, ALEEN, CARLY, AND JONATHANN!! I am soo excited you have no idea...i oly have tomorrow and 3 exam days standing in my way!! OMG. So today in English Chitwood checked out notes, I got a good grade which makes me happy! However Thales got caught copy-ing notes from Ashleys comp., that alex had given him, without Ashley's permission. So Ashley told this to Chitwood, and beign the greatest teaching in the world, she understood. I am really happy, she actually relates to us, it is the best feeling in the world. Ashley got off the hook, I am really happy for her. However since I am not talking to Alex, and I didn't get a chance to speak with Thales, I didn't get the details on what happened to them...now that is a cliffhanger. Here is where I am supposed to say chicken...so...chicken. " Met a girl, tought she was grand, fell in love, found out first hand, went well for a week or two, but then it all came unglued....she fuckin hates me..."

2002-12-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a lazy day. I did my hstory project with kourtney, that was fun. Then we wasted the rest of the day doing nothing really. And what is up with hair theft? I hear that there are people in this world who try and steal hair from royalty. Wow what messed up people...I have to do the rest of my english. I have to pick my dad up at the airport...

2002-12-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

I like darkness. It is cool. If I could, I would move somewhere that it is always dark. They say that there is a strong connection between darkness and depression. But obviously I fall into the minority, because darkness makes me happy. You can do everything and more in it. It makes things more romantic. It forces you to develop senses other than sight. There is nothing better than sitting in a bath, in a dark room with a single candle lit, it makes the bath more than a time of cleansing, and relaxation. The atmosphere you have created is maudlin, personal, intimate, and refreshing. It elevates whatever emotion you are felling. It heightens your fear, it deepens your thoughts, it calms your heart, and it heals your emotional wounds